Thursday, September 15, 2011

The wishing well

Yowza. In 72 hours I will likely be rebuilt and ensconced in my room at MGH, alternately dozing and watching bad sit-coms. Can you believe it? Can I?

This was a good week for me. A tough week, but a necessary week. For the past few months, I've been strong and willful and did what I needed to do, and this week I let it fall apart for a while. I let my guard down. I felt my vulnerability again. I finished up all the logistics and prep and got really busy on the emotional side of this thing, and let me assure you, it was just what I needed. The time I've taken, the space I've gotten, the multitudinous marshmallows I've eaten - they've allowed me to reflect on Monday and get comfortable with the uncertainty. I let myself slip into the the dark places in the last few days, and now I've crawled back out. I've sat with the sadness, and now it's ebbing. I feel . . . so good.

You see, I've begun to be able to see past Monday. Until this week, I was all stopped up at Monday. There was no post-Monday. I mean, intellectually I knew there'd be a post-Monday, but emotionally I had no capacity to get there, to look forward to anything. But my work this week has flipped the switch, and I have an excited flutter in my chest. A touch of Christmas morning anticipation about what might be in store post-BMX. Narcotics? Yes! Rehabbing and boredom? Surely! But also good stuff: more positive life changes, stronger friendships, seeing things even more clearly for what they are, a refreshed zest for living.

Lookit: If you ask me about life post-Cancer Round I, I'll tell you it's WAY better than pre-cancer. For real. Controlling for all the worry and B.S. with doctors, screenings and perceived "medical emergencies," life post-cancer has been richer and more what I wanted than I could ever have imagined. I separated wheat from chaff. I threw caution to the wind and abandoned my chosen career. I adopted a daughter. I volunteered and advocated like crazy and then relaxed that and threw myself into homemaking. Who'd have EVER thought this girl would end up a happy hausfrau? I have loved. it. all. And now, finally, I'm certain that there's good stuff waiting for me post-Round II.

I guess you could say I'm at peace with the beast. Again.

So . . . a favor from you?

My surgery is scheduled for 10:00 a.m. Monday morning. Would you be so kind as to take a minute to send me a little mental mojo at that time? Whatever it is that you think will bring me strength: One friend is sending Reiki healing wishes. Another traditional prayer. Another a boisterous telepathic "kick ASS Sarah!" Whatever you find meaningful, to you, for me. I want to feel the energy of all my buddies rolling into the OR with me.

Hop on my stretcher, peeps - come along for a ride! Let's kick some cancer booty.




  1. Yes, tough, yes, necessary. Yes, so looking forward to post-Monday for you! And of course, will be sending you healing thoughts on Monday and throughout the weeks of recovery. xxoo

  2. I'll be thinking about you all weekend, Sarah, just like I have been since June.
    And on Monday, I'll be sending you hugs and I'll be praying to the God I believe in, that you can come out of this with your beautiful spirit intact, in spite of the suffering of the body.
    I'll be patiently waiting for your return!

  3. You know I will be thinking of you all day on Monday, and will be anxiously awaiting the DI post later in the day. I am blessed to know you for many, many reasons, but seeing your ability to take life's setbacks and turn them into a channel for personal growth and happiness is the greatest gift. Love and hugs, Lindsay (P)

  4. Yes, Sarah! I will be thinking of you tomorrow at 10, and all day. And sending prayers that your surgery goes flawlessly and that you are're revelling in that post-round II goodness before you know it.


  5. We'll be thinking of you I am right now. Love from us all. ~Dana, Brian, Theo & Bruce

  6. Absolutely. I think I'll join the Kick Ass Sarah crew.

  7. You will have positive energy filling the entire sky between MGH and my heart in Maryland! I wish for you a good experience with your surgery and recovery and look foward to hearing your amazing, inspiring, insightful, truthful words again soon!! Life after will be incredible.

    At 10am Monday, I will be just starting my food and recipe exchange with my cooking crew friends. We will taste good food in your honor, knowing that several of the ladies around the table that you have never met have been inspired at one time or another to cook something from your semisweet blog!! We toast YOU and will also be yelling KICK ASS, SARAH!!


  8. We, too, will be sending various well wishes your way. Your niece will probably send them in kisses (she is now capable of keeping her mouth closed for those) and hugs (she's got that totally down -- nice spontaneous ones around your neck). The wishes will come from all over Spain, with a special concentration in Madrid and the southeast and southwest coasts. We're on the ride for the narcs, the rehab, and for all the good stuff to come. We love you! Kate, Kike & Aurora.