This was a good week for me. A tough week, but a necessary week. For the past few months, I've been strong and willful and did what I needed to do, and this week I let it fall apart for a while. I let my guard down. I felt my vulnerability again. I finished up all the logistics and prep and got really busy on the emotional side of this thing, and let me assure you, it was just what I needed. The time I've taken, the space I've gotten, the multitudinous marshmallows I've eaten - they've allowed me to reflect on Monday and get comfortable with the uncertainty. I let myself slip into the the dark places in the last few days, and now I've crawled back out. I've sat with the sadness, and now it's ebbing. I feel . . . so good.
You see, I've begun to be able to see past Monday. Until this week, I was all stopped up at Monday. There was no post-Monday. I mean, intellectually I knew there'd be a post-Monday, but emotionally I had no capacity to get there, to look forward to anything. But my work this week has flipped the switch, and I have an excited flutter in my chest. A touch of Christmas morning anticipation about what might be in store post-BMX. Narcotics? Yes! Rehabbing and boredom? Surely! But also good stuff: more positive life changes, stronger friendships, seeing things even more clearly for what they are, a refreshed zest for living.
Lookit: If you ask me about life post-Cancer Round I, I'll tell you it's WAY better than pre-cancer. For real. Controlling for all the worry and B.S. with doctors, screenings and perceived "medical emergencies," life post-cancer has been richer and more what I wanted than I could ever have imagined. I separated wheat from chaff. I threw caution to the wind and abandoned my chosen career. I adopted a daughter. I volunteered and advocated like crazy and then relaxed that and threw myself into homemaking. Who'd have EVER thought this girl would end up a happy hausfrau? I have loved. it. all. And now, finally, I'm certain that there's good stuff waiting for me post-Round II.
I guess you could say I'm at peace with the beast. Again.
So . . . a favor from you?
My surgery is scheduled for 10:00 a.m. Monday morning. Would you be so kind as to take a minute to send me a little mental mojo at that time? Whatever it is that you think will bring me strength: One friend is sending Reiki healing wishes. Another traditional prayer. Another a boisterous telepathic "kick ASS Sarah!" Whatever you find meaningful, to you, for me. I want to feel the energy of all my buddies rolling into the OR with me.
Hop on my stretcher, peeps - come along for a ride! Let's kick some cancer booty.