And having just put Lilah to bed and after having filled her Advent calendar with chocolate treats, I'm sitting here misty. And full of happiness and calm. I'm content. As I was putting away the leftover candy, tidying the kitchen, and thinking of crawling into bed with a book just now, it dawned on me . . . I'm at peace with all of this tonight. With the second cancer, with the mastectomies, with where I am right now. It's all OK, I'm going to be OK, and despite all the mess of the spring, summer and fall, I'm still so damn lucky and blessed.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm sure there'll be times where I rail against it again. Bad days, days when I'm reminded of my limits, some day when I have to get these tires changed . . . but at the bottom, I'm still myself, I still have my life, and I'm feeling good enough again to really, truly, just get on with things.
I also feel certain that something new and interesting and good is going to come of Cancer Round II. Yesterday and today, I started to really drill down on what I wanted to do to delineate pre- and post-op. Doesn't have to be major . . . it's just that I can't have gone through this and, well, just go back to laundry and carpooling like it never went down. (Not that it isn't every woman's dream to launder and carpool.) So whether it'll be an intensive cooking class, or breaking into the speaking circuit more formally, or taking Semi-Sweet to new and different places, or overcoming my fear of clipping in and becoming a serious cyclist, or writing that book I keep toying with - it'll be something.
But for this moment, I'm going to wallow in contentment. Enjoy the Christmas season, conjure up surprises to delight my daughter, conspire with her to delight my husband, feel the rush and the crush of holiday preparations and celebrate being healthy and able-bodied again.
P.S. Tomorrow, I start back with my beloved Pilates instructor . . . 2 milestones in two days? Mind-blowing.