And having just put Lilah to bed and after having filled her Advent calendar with chocolate treats, I'm sitting here misty. And full of happiness and calm. I'm content. As I was putting away the leftover candy, tidying the kitchen, and thinking of crawling into bed with a book just now, it dawned on me . . . I'm at peace with all of this tonight. With the second cancer, with the mastectomies, with where I am right now. It's all OK, I'm going to be OK, and despite all the mess of the spring, summer and fall, I'm still so damn lucky and blessed.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm sure there'll be times where I rail against it again. Bad days, days when I'm reminded of my limits, some day when I have to get these tires changed . . . but at the bottom, I'm still myself, I still have my life, and I'm feeling good enough again to really, truly, just get on with things.
I also feel certain that something new and interesting and good is going to come of Cancer Round II. Yesterday and today, I started to really drill down on what I wanted to do to delineate pre- and post-op. Doesn't have to be major . . . it's just that I can't have gone through this and, well, just go back to laundry and carpooling like it never went down. (Not that it isn't every woman's dream to launder and carpool.) So whether it'll be an intensive cooking class, or breaking into the speaking circuit more formally, or taking Semi-Sweet to new and different places, or overcoming my fear of clipping in and becoming a serious cyclist, or writing that book I keep toying with - it'll be something.
But for this moment, I'm going to wallow in contentment. Enjoy the Christmas season, conjure up surprises to delight my daughter, conspire with her to delight my husband, feel the rush and the crush of holiday preparations and celebrate being healthy and able-bodied again.
Me again!
xo,
Sarah
P.S. Tomorrow, I start back with my beloved Pilates instructor . . . 2 milestones in two days? Mind-blowing.
I am so so so happy for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI adore you - and am grateful for you - and for your recovery - and for your friendship ... so very thankful.
ReplyDelete~Tina
Oh-I am so glad the days are starting to be filled with happiness. We are all cheering for you!
ReplyDeleteSarah, Can you hear me? I'm up in VT, cheering for you, fists pumping...so happy that you kicked cancer's ass. Keep on keepin' on!
ReplyDeleteThank you all! So awesome to have such a supportive cheering section.
ReplyDeleteSarah, do the book. Your description of the biopsy, decision-making, facing risk -- it is all down-to-earth and real and definitely the humor works too.
ReplyDeleteChoice two -- making really snappy clothes/bras for breast cancer patients post-surgery. You seem to have maintained a sense of style and lots of other women want that too.
Claire
Wow, talk about psychic connection. Immediately prior to logging on and reading this post, I left you a message about something I could see you doing - educating parents about how to keep their families healthy and avoid chemical/environmental risks that contribute to cancer. You would be perfect for this (as well as book writing, and so many other things!) Go Sarah - I have no doubt that BIG things will come from you.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo Lindsay
When I was diagnosed, my very insightful cousin (who's story reads much like yours...diagnosed 1x then 2nd time 10 yrs later...super Mom, smart, sassy...) told me that "you will go through this event with little thought, but somewhere on the other side you'll sit down and cry and know that you did something AMAZING and that you are a brave and strong person!". Those words stuck with me. So, you see, you don't have to worry about marking this journey by doing something "new", "different", "better"...you've ALREADY done something incredible! Laundry and car-pooling will never be the same for you because you have this renewed appreciation for those things many take for granted! XOXO
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